Marriage
Posted by yzed on May 15, 2006
Marriage will make us either bitter or better. Although happiness, of the kind we imagine in romances, can be one of its important by-products, Marriage was designed to mature us through the constant working out of differences and life changes. The promise that a white dress and a tuxedo bring to the altar is not happiness; it is maturity: growth into eldership. The happiness that a life-long relationship brings is found in the hard won depth and intimacy that is current in a seasoned relationship; one in which we move beyond our own needs and demands.
Life is a dream…marriage is the alarm clock. It challenges us to grow up; to embrace a kind of loving that doesn’t have anything to do with good feelings and emotions. The kind of love that we learn to express in a life-long relationship has little to do with sentimentality – although it has its place; it has little to do with romance – although it is pleasurable when we experience it; it has little to do with being completed – although it may feel oceanic when it happens. The alarm rings when the differences start; that is when the ‘real’ relationship starts.
When we are having differences – even passionate ones – we know that the relationship is working and that we will reap the prime benefit of marriage: intimacy: being open, vulnerable and responsive to another human being who wishes the same thing. When these things occur – even when we are suffering within the relationship – we know that we are maturing.
A marriage breaks down and makes us bitter when we are not able to move beyond our own needs and demands for that which makes us happy.
In any event, here are some uncensored thoughts on the subject. Leave your comments. I am interested in a conversation with you all.
dr peg said
You write wonderfully, Giovanni. Clearly you have lived this. I too have been married long enough to understand that what you get is not what you thought you were getting at “the altar” (a woodsy grove in my case).
You never know what life is going to bring. Or what you or your partner might do. Difficulties happen. It’s unavoidable. As you said, if you’re both in it to have an intimate, REAL relationship with another adult who wants to grow, those difficult times are the ones that are rich with possibility.
I’m redefining the word “love” as I get older. I used to think love was something you feel. Now I think love is something you do.
Thanks for the great post.
Peg
yzed said
I agree especially with your last thought: “Now I think love is something you do.”
Giovanni
Jason McCarty said
If we think that love is an emotion (which i used to), or how we feel about the other, then we’d have relationships that lasted a short time. It is so obvious that it is more than that, and like you say, it has its place though. I like your articulation. I love the challenges of relationship – it is totally where we ourselves grow, the relationship grows, and where we get to sink our teeth into real life. I hate when we pretend nothing is wrong and there is all this underlying crap going on. Talking about that crap is real, intimate, and honest. I think love is something that “happens” when we’re honest and real with the person we’re romantic with.