Federal Housing Association Loan

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.  He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral.  The title to the property dated back to 1903, which took the lawyer three months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (Actual Letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.  While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.  Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (Actual Letter):

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.  I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.  I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. 

For the edification of uninformed FHA burequcrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from france, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.  Now the Pope, as I sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.  Therefore, I believe it is sage to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.  God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA.

I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory.  Now, may we have our damn loan?

[He got the loan.]

Magnificent

I’ve noticed that I use the word ‘magnificent’ often.  I must find synonyms to vary this magnificent word.

Chuck Norris – Part II

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.  Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour.  He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?  His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter.  He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people.  It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

author unknown

Converting The Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the
students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
 
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
 
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
 
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all
go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
 
Seven days later, they come together to discuss the experience.
 
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. 

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do  with me and began to slap me aro und. So I quickly  grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as
gentle a lamb. The bishop  is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a  wheelchair, with an arm and both
legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD  of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hair  soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of
the day praising Jesus."
 
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was
in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of
him. He was in bad shape.  The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it,  circumcision may not
have been the best way to start."

The Evil Atheist

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself  surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself 'Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!.'

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: 'No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.'

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living daylights out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, the voice booms out again:

'Okay ….. NOW you're screwed.'

Author Unknown

Chuck Norris – Part I

When I first read this I could not stop laughing.  I found it so hillarious that I now believe it could be used as a cure for depression.  Try reading it out loud to a group of friends; I'm sure it will stimulate tears of laughter even in the most hardened curmudgeon.

I'd like to invite you all to add to it.  Let's see how many more comparisons, analogies and similies we can come up with. Since the list is very long, I'll present segments of it from time to time.

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present The Inimitable Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer.  Too bad he has never cried.  Ever.

Chuck Norris does not sleep.  He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.  If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity.  Twice.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure.  Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+.  Ass-Kicking Positive.  It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks and fighter jets.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard.  There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Passive Aggression

Passive Aggression: a dog who, while he has his paws on your shoulders and is licking your face, is peeing on your pants.

Know anyone like this?

I’m Having A Bad Day

Having a bad day?

There was a case in a hospital’s Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.  This puzzled the doctors.  Some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.  No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.

A worldwide team of experts assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.  The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all the doctors and nurses were nervously waiting outside the ward to see what the terible phenomenon was all about.  Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.  Just when the clock struck 11…Pookie Johnson, the part -time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life suppport system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

Having a bad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in alaska was $80,000.  At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.  A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

Still think you’re having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.  Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.  Up to that moment, he was happily listening to his Walkman.

 

STILL think you’re having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.  Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.  The two protesters were trampled to death.

 

WHAT?!  STILL having a bad day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb.  It came back with ‘return to sender’ stamped on it.  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

 

There now, feeling better?

Author Unknown

The Genius of Blondes

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?  The blonde, tired, wanting to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.  He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.  The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention, and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.  The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.  Okay says the lawyer, your turn.  She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. he taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress – no answer.  Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.  After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.  The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks , “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery.  As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
 
“Yes, I am sure.  The duck is dead,” he replied.
 
“How can you be so sure,” she protested.  “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything.  He might just be in a coma or something.”
 
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.  He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
 
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.  The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
 
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”  Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.  The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.  “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
 
The vet shrugged.  “I’m sorry.  If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan…”

 

Author Unknown