Sweet Sixteen

I remember a time when gender roles were rigid.  Women wore jeans with side zippers while a man’s rose up the centre;  men had their hair cut in barber shops – by male-only barbers – while women had theirs cut in beauty parlours; men swore because it was tough while female lips never uttered obscenities.  There was a peace about this demarcation of gender – at least for the men - a sense of knowing who you were in the greater scheme of social relations.  But this division also had its dark side which often brutalized women as well as men. 

I remember accompanying my mother on a shopping trip to downtown Prince George where she decided to enter a clothing store for young women called Sweet Sixteen.  I never went in with her because males in those days would not have been caught dead in a ladies’ boutique.  It was bad enough being fourteen and being caught shopping, downtown with your mother.

There are many examples that arise in my mind about gender roles in those days, and the prevailing sensibility that suffused male-female interaction.  I remember the braggadoccio that was typical of those times among emerging young males.  Immature and lacking confidence in what it meant to be a man we would say things like: ”In the North, a man is a man, and a woman is glad of it.”  Nowadays, things have changed enough so that we can say: “In the North, A man is a man, and a woman is a man.”

I confess that I have a certain nostalgia about the old gender roles that governed our relationships.  I am not suggesting that we return to the sexism of the 1950s and early ’60s, but I think that, at least ceremonially, I prefer a culture of gender that celebrates and highlights our unique strengths.  Androgyny is not my preference.

But I digress…this article is dedicated to the past when there were two entrances to beer parlours – one for men, and one for men and their escorts; women would not be caught dead in a pool hall; a man’s hair was always short; men could wear whatever colour of suit they wanted, provided it was black; occupationallly, women were streamed to become homemakers, nurses or librarians…the list of now obsolescent manners and sensibilities is inifinite.

Yes, gender roles were rigid; but have we made any real progress during the great social revolutions of the past sixty years?  Have we thrown the baby out with the bathwater? – never mind that nowadays, as I read in the newspapers, men are getting pregnant too.

Covering The Bald Headed Penis

Recently, at one of those lunchtime conversations, my colleagues and I talked about circumcision and its place in a boy’s life.  It started with comments about female circumcision in Muslim countries, and how obviously cruel and barbaric that practice is.  Mutilation, we called it, and agreed that it benefited the distorted desires of men for control over women who at the time of the procedure are pre-pubescent girls.  However, I found the conversation intriguing when it flowed into discussion about male circumcision.  Although not as brutal as the female version, the procedure for boys is as fraught with myths and rationalizations as the female one.

One of our group was a woman who was expecting a baby.  She and her husband had been struggling about whether to have their child circumcised if he were born male.  She seemed ambivalent about the matter.  So, over tuna-fish sandwiches and microwaved spaghetti we casually discussed the issue.

“But it’s supposed to be healthier for men,” she said.  “It reduces the likelihood of them getting a sexually transmitted infection.  Or giving it to their mates.”

“There’s absolutely no medical reason,” I replied, “for circumcision.  Historically, only Jews have undergone the procedure - and only for religious reasons.  Besides, there’s no evidence that removal prevents the transmission of any kind of sexually transmitted infection.”

One of the physicians at our table jumped in.  He said, “Well, that’s not exactly true.  There’s been some evidence that women are less likely to contract Human Papiloma Virus if their partners are circumcised.  But the degree to which transmission is reduced is so small that it doesn’t warrant circumcision.

I appreciated the doctor’s response.  If the likelihood of transmission is so small, and is specific to this kind of infection, of what use is it to recommend wholesale removal of the prepuce.  I mean…we were born with it!  There must be some reason in the evolutionary process that warranted its invention.  Ear lobes seem just as redundant – why not cut them off too?

My pregnant colleague mused for a moment and asked, “But shouldn’t a boy be like his father?”

I’d heard this reasoning before, and had been astounded each time.  So I facetiously replied, “Do you think he’ll suffer some kind of emotional trauma if he’s different from dad?”

She understood that my question was rhetorical and added, “But what if he asks his father why he’s different?”

“Well then, his father will simply tell him the reason.  And take this perfect opportunity to talk about male sexuality in an age appropriate way.  Besides…how often is your son going to be looking at his father’s penis?”

The glans is soft and vulnerable – especially when it sits atop an erect penis.  It seems to me that its jacket was designed for protection and comfort.  Wikipedia has said that the foreskin maintains the mucosa in a moist environment.  In males wo have been circumcised, but have not undergone restoration, the glans is permanently exposed and dry [This translates as 'not good.'].  contrary to widely held belief, the glans of the circumcised penis does not develop a thicker layer [The glans doesn't protect itself by adapting to the change in its environment.  This translates as 'not good.']…Many males who have restored their foreskin observe increased [sexual] sensitivity, which is often attributed to the increase in moistness of the covered glans [This translates as 'good.']…

My colleague said, “I knew a woman who told me she had sex with a man who had a foreskin, and that it really turned her off.”  Reflecting her friend’s experience she grimaced.

“Does this mean,” I asked, “that we should operate at birth on our male children because fifteen or twenty years later they might find a female who is turned off by the vest at the top of their penis?”

What turns a woman on or off about a man’s body is individual.  Removing our boys’ foreskins may make them more desireable to certain women but less so to others.  My sense is that most women don’t give a hoot about the circumstances of our foreskin.  Besides, if the sexual desirability of a man depends on whether he is circumcised or not, then his prospective life-long partner is probably not the one for him.

Men were designed with foreskins in mind.  When we were being created, some engineer must have realized we were bald down there and decided it would be a good idea to give us a hat, ostensibly for comfort and protection.  That slip of skin keeps us in good working order.  Remove it at your own risk.

Men Should Never Have

Many women nowadays

think, say and do

what men should never have.

How To Recognize A Sexy Woman

A sexy woman is one who leaves much to the imagination. And in so doing, leaves much to be desired.

A sexy woman is someone who knows that beauty moves from the inside, out.  She spends time exercising, cleaning and feeding it.

A sexy woman is someone who knows that clothing, jewellery and hair are designed to draw the eye to her inner beauty.  It is the main attraction.

A sexy woman knows that her body is also an accesory to the main feature.

A sexy woman has natural intelligence that she submerges for no one.  She knows who she is and treasures it.

A sexy woman is obvious – you can tell by the way she delights in the succulent experience of a juicy peach while sex is the furthest thing from her mind.

A sexy woman is someone who knows that sex is not about body parts.  It is ironically about being pure of heart.

A sexy woman keeps healthy: body, mind and spirit.  She is wholesome.  She does not cuss.

A sexy woman is someone who will not agree to an expensive supper on the first date.  She wants to get to know you first, at an afternoon coffee and a walk in the park.

A sexy woman can intuitively recognize a sexy man.  And she will not commit herself until she knows he’s the one.

Depanting

One of the greatest fears that permeated our neighbourhood in the late Fifties was the prospect of being depanted.  This involved being humiliated in front of everyone by having your pants pulled down to the laughter and mockery of all.  As a nine or ten year old I’d never seen a depanting or known a depantee, but the histories of former victims loomed large in my mind.

It was not a fear known by the girls in the neighourhood because it lived only in the world of the local boys: a ritual inflicted upon the younger, weaker, less popular ones.  Looking back on this terror I see it as a form of sexual violence living on the low end of the rape continuum: a projection of raw power.

It reminds me of a term that I learned in my early adolescence: “black-balling” – another bone-crushing humiliation that consisted of several boys holding down another while ink, oil or some other substance was poured on the hapless victim’s genitals.  The murder of that boy’s soul would then be spread around the school where he would be re-victimized by laughter and mockery.  In those days it seemed like a terrible stigma from which you could never recover.

I’d only heard stories of others on whom the violation had been inflicted, but the stories were enough to raise its spectre when threatened or harassed by the older, bigger boys in school.

A few years back I heard a story which was told about Michael Landon.  It seems that when he was a young lad with long hair, some toughs assaulted him because of it.  It seems they viewed his hair as feminine and decided to teach him a so-called lesson: While a few of them held him down, they poured hair remover over his genitals: a ritual castration.

From where in our experience did this sexual violence emerge?  How could ten, twelve, thirteen year old boys be infected with such a mean and heartless behaviour?  Where, in those days, were the men with chests who could purge those toxic teachings, lead us out of that pathological form of masculinity - and where are they now?

Abandonment

The male equivalent to abortion is abandonment.  I disagree with both: retroactive birth control.

Finding Ms. Right

Finding Ms. Right is no easy task.  None of us was born with a manual that taught him the art of selecting a partner with whom he could create a lasting relationship. We all stumble forward in the quest, hoping to find the one that will meet our needs for life-long companionship and the promises that come with it.
 
There are many obstacles on our path, like our sex-saturated culture which makes us believe that passion is the touchstone that confirms we’ve found her.  It’s important to feel desire and to follow your heart in the process of selecting a life-long partner, but don’t ignore your head.  You do so at your peril.  When you stop looking for a date and start looking for a mate, consider these suggestions.  They may spare you a lot of grief.
 
Beware the honey trap!  Think with the head between your shoulders – not with the other one.  You’ll know you’ve stopped using the correct one when you find yourself equating sex with intimacy.  Great sex with someone you’re not committed to may only hinder your search.  That’s because your hormones can deceive you into believing you’ve found the perfect match.  That first rush of love can create the illusion you have a relationship that’s deeper than it really is.
 
Avoid being a sucker for a pretty face!  A face you find attractive is important, but it’s not everything.  Consider the total package.  This includes her mind, heart and spirit.  Determine whether there’s enough overlap of values, interests and sensibilities to build a harmonious relationship.  These factors will influence every part of your life from the way in which you pay taxes and make love, to the way you raise children.
 
Listen to your mother!  She told you to look for a life-partner in a library or a church, not a bar. She wants you to find a woman who is stable, decent and faithful.  Consult the people who know you well and whose opinion you trust.  Their impressions and feedback will be indispensable.
 
Avoid an Espresso Relationship!  Allow a new relationship to percolate.  Forced growth produces a flower quickly but it will have no scent.  Be a casual friend at first.  And when you think she’s ready, invite her to come closer by sharing something more personal about yourself.  Some of us men may find this way of flowing into friendship unfamiliar and uncomfortable.  But think of this approach as a long-term investment. You’ll have to wait for the dividends to accrue, but they’ll be abundant.
 
Be observant!  Most communication occurs non-verbally with tone of voice, body language and facial gestures.  Listen with your eyes as well as your ears.  Take stock of how her personal habits affect you.  In the first flush of love her quirky little behaviours may seem endearing, but viewed in the context of forever they may be intolerable. Move beyond feeling in love by creating a realistic profile of the woman with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.
 
Be honest with who you are!  Promoting an intimate relationship means being open, honest and vulnerable. This may seem unsafe because you risk getting hurt, so you may be tempted to conceal your heart.  Doing so may provide safety in the short term, but it will cripple your relationship down the road.  If you feel uncertain about being emotionally exposed, test your friend.  Give her morsels of yourself and see what she does with them.  If she can be trusted with little, it may be safe to trust her with more.
 
Get to know her family!  It is the soil that nourished her expectations, sensibilities and longings.  Her mother modeled what it meant to be a woman, wife and mother.  Her father modeled what she may want from a man, a husband and a father.  The atmosphere in which she grew up, the traditions she celebrated, and the value system she absorbed shaped the expectations she may have of the family she creates with you.
 
Be clear about your vision for marriage and family life!  Clarify the roles you intend to follow as husband, father and separate individual.  Is her vision compatible with yours?  Is the way in which the two of you like to “do” a family in harmony?  To say that you both want children, have careers and retire at sixty is not enough.  Practice preventive divorce by identifying whether you have enough common elements for a good partnership.
 
Avoid the “potential” trap!  You may initially find a woman who has many of the qualities you’ve always wanted in a partner only to discover she has a major flaw that overshadows the characteristics that originally attracted you.  When this occurs you may endure the profound emotional expense of maintaining the relationship because you think she’s got great potential.  Continuing to invest yourself in such a woman, without expecting her to actively seek help and show improvement, is equivalent to throwing good money after bad at a floundering business.  Marriage and children will not decrease her defect – they will only magnify it.
 
Find yourself first!  With a clear sense of who you are you’ll have a better idea of the kind of person with whom you want to unite.  With a fuzzy identity you run the risk of finding onions when you really wanted peaches. Someone once said that there are two questions a man must ask himself: 1/ Where am I going?  2/ Who will accompany me?  If you reverse the order of these questions, you’ll lose your way.  And you’ll place demands on your partner that she’ll be unable or unwilling to meet.  Get a life!  Then get a wife.
 
For better or worse is a promise that has embodied the hope of couples down the ages.  Practical wisdom has recognized that relationships are a mixture of honey and vinegar, and that sometime they don’t work.  Carefully selecting a partner won’t guarantee that you’ll avoid the fate of others, but following some basic principles may ensure that life will be sweeter with the one you’ve found.  
 

In Praise of Men

For the past forty years men have been blamed for everything from head lice to the atomic bomb.  And the sensibilities passed down to us from countless generations have been denounced as the source of our planet’s woes.

A revolution was certainly needed to help us challenge and rethink our world-view.  But we didn’t need the reign of terror that swept indiscriminately over everything that we valued about being men.

Nowadays many of us suffer a collective amnesia: we’ve forgotten what we like best about being a man.  Thinking that we’re being progressive we naively mouth the trendy bromides and disparaging cliches that have colonized the public imagination. And we participate not only in condemning what is dishonourable in men but also in depreciating what is worthwhile.

We are a heritage building that’s been gutted and prepared for demolition.  And while the deconstruction crews go about their business many of us wonder if there’s anything worth preserving.  It’s with this question in mind that I display some of the nobler features that have graced this building so that we can reflect on what we want to conserve.

I recognize that there are shadows in the architecture of this structure.  But I will not belabour what others have so forcefully exposed.  I acknowledge that each man may not possess all the characteristics I write of below.  And I recognize that women also, within the framework of their socialization and genetic heritage, possess and express these qualities in their uniquely female way.

Men are responsible

We expect to be judged by our actions and the outcomes of our actions.  And we are constantly reminded of this by the mantras or our gender: “The world doesn’t owe you a living.”  “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

It’s what we do, not what we say that gives us our acceptability.  The words “provider” and “protector” hold special meaning for us, and have for millennia acted as the measure of our honour.  Above all, we are not permitted the luxury of blaming others for our failures: “The buck stops here!”

Men are taught to play fair, accept rules, and abide by judgments

For men, sports are more than recreation.  They are a pattern for social living.  We have devised a careful system of rules that gives each of us ”a sporting chance.”  Like life, sport has protocol, traditions, demands, justice, etiquette, victory and defeat.  it’s the paradigm for masculine life.  Master the rules, and you assure survival for yourself and your family.  Break the rules, and suffer the consequences.

Remember? “Never hit a guy when he’s down!”  ”Play fair!”  “Don’t argue with the umpire!”  As one man said about Boxing: “A little guy can step in between two angry giants trying to kill one another, and they will almost always step back and listen to what he has to say.”

Men like sex for its own sake

We don’t have to feel romantic or have talked intimately before enjoying our partner.  We fully embrace our lusty here-and-now rush of desire without any prerequisites.  Male sexual response is often visceral.  Things don’t always have to be going right for us to enjoy her.

Men have staying power

We value courage, determination and steadfastness.  We remind ourselves that when the going gets tough, the tough get going.  Men endure: “Take it like a man” is the banner under which we deal with adversity, and the discomforts of a demanding and uncertain life.  We understand that we do not have options as men – we have duties and societal expectations.  We believe that “a man is as good as his word.”  Boys pledge their commitment with “cross my heart, and spit to die!”  In other words, “I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my promise – no matter what.”  Through our ability to endure we offer security and reliablity to our wives and children.

Men get to the point

We communicate directly: “man to man”, like “straight shooters”, “from the hip.”  We’re good at sweeping away the clutter of conversation and move quickly toward solutions by getting to the bottom line:  If there is a problem, we fix it…end of story.  We don’t bear complainers lightly: “Don’t whine, do something about it!”  What’s more important is not how you feel about a problem, but what you intend to do about it.

Men empower children

When we play with our children we combine risk with physical protection.  One author observed that when kids go sledding with dad, they like it when he lets them all crash at the bottom of the hill.  We let them set the pace but pull back when things seem to be going too far.

We safely encourage our children to stretch their physical boundaries without risking their lives.  “Afraid to climb that Jungle-Gym?  You can do it!  I’ll be right underneath to catch you.”  Fathering has the feel of coaching, and the voice of mentoring.  We give children judicious opportunitites to experience the outcome of their behaviour so they can learn from their mistakes.  Fianlly, we understand that the purpose of all this fathering is letting go.

Men are strong

In times when protection and reassurance is needed, the solid physical presence of a man holds no equal.  His wife feels safety and comfort in the strength of his embrace.  His children feel secure, and delight in the feel of his muscles and scratchy beard.  The timbre of a man’s voice suggests strength, and the way he physically launches himself into activity inspires resolve.  By controlling our emotions during a crisis we bring order and stability to uncertain times.  Need your refrigerator moved?  Ask a man.

Men are curious, inventive and adventurous

We are restless to explore and discover.  We want to see what’s beyond the next horizon; we want to expose the mysteries of the universe; build a spaceship to Mars; challenge authority; and prove that space is not the final frontier.

Within us live the spirits of Tom Sawyer, Einstein, DaVinci, Mahatma Gandhi, and a pantheon of other vibrant men.  In the face of tyranny we are defiant and ready for combat.  We are dreamers, lovers, artists, scientists, and builders of magnificent structures.  We constantly try to “Push the envelope” so we can discover what will happen “if…”

Men are sacrificial givers

In peace and war, we are willing to forfeit our lives for the women and children we love.  During flood, plague, famine, earthquake and other natural disasters it is assumed we will lead, protect and continue to provide.  We give by solving problems with inventions like the telephone, the airplane, electricity, birth control pills, microwaves, and countless other innovations.

Built into a man’s role is the task of bodyguard: we are expected to take the bullet.  We have spent millennia creating a code of conduct designed for service: when the ship is sinking, it’s “women and children first” to the lifeboats.

Men make good friends

Under normal circumstances intimate male friendship takes time.  But when it blossoms it’s solid, enduring, trustworthy, loyal and hearty.  We encounter each other exuberantly with solid handshakes, with backslapping affection and with butt-patting encouragement when we hit a “homer”.  As boys we became “blood brothers” by deliberately cutting our thumbs, mixing our blood, and swearing oaths of allegiance.  When we lose our temper, we often do so in a flash and then it’s done because we hold the friendship to be greater than the issue that divides us.  In war our unspoken motto is “all for one, and one for all”.  And when it’s over we never forget those who have fallen.

Some social critics declare that because men have historically held most of the political and economic power they must accept blame for most of what’s wrong with our world.  if this is true, then we must also accept praise for most of what’s right with it.  We have given abundantly to the unfoldment of what is highest and most noble in the human race.  The social structure that has contained our spirit is in need of a Reformation and a Renaissance, not a demolition.